Odd. Butterscotch is odd.

I might admit reluctantly that there is something mildly buttery about it, in an artificially flavored, hazy sort of way, but then only if you really concentrate hard for long, long minutes. Even then, youíre really never quite sure if itís butter or margarine.

There is nothing remotely tasting like scotch about it, though. Where did the name "butterscotch" come from? Who, by the way, mixed butter and scotch in order to conceive the idea of butterscotch as a descriptive name for a candy? On the other hand, most lemon juice you buy in the store has no lemon in it and Iím reasonably sure Booneís Farm wines never met a grape, so there you go.

I should know about butterscotch, I used to be a devout scotch drinker, and I love butter. Scotch, that is, being a nice highland single malt or a fine blend. I also know about butter, and I do mean butter, not margarine and not a "spread." Butter by its very nature does not spread well and anything that does is not really butter. You do not spread butter easily, nor do you put it in a squeeze bottle and make it go ploop! onto your pancakes. Real butter takes work, as do most good things in life.

They make everything squeezable nowadays: catsup, salad dressing, so-called "butter" but I draw the line at mayonnaise. I will not squeeze mayonnaise onto my sandwich. No siree Bob, thank you, uh-uh. I use Hellmanís and only Hellmanís and squeezing Hellmanís out onto your bread and making it go ploop! is a death penalty in some states where the people have a little dignity left.

Thatís kinda like cheese, as opposed to "processed cheese food." Though I guess American cheese is a processed cheese food, itís not Velveeta. Cheese, Iím very sorry if you disagree, should not jiggle. Jello jiggles. Soufflé jiggles. Cheese should not jiggle. Certainly itís good on nachos and the like, but then, donít call it cheese, because it ainít. Call it "jiggly cheeselike stuff" and be done. I like my cheese to be cheddar and sharp, or white havarti. I do not like it enclosed in aluminum foil packaging and when I squeeze it, it should never, ever squoosh.

I prefer pure maple syrup, too. I bought something once called "Butter Maple Syrup" that, when I read the ingredients, had neither butter nor maple syrup included. It tasted pretty good, actually, but like lemon juice with no lemon in it and vanilla concentrate with no vanilla in it, I am leery of such sleight of hand. I am particularly wary of words in ingredient lists that have more then eight syllables.

Peanut butter is another thing Iím particular Ė or perhaps peculiar Ė about. One of the greatest treats I know is to sit down with a banana, a jar of peanut butter and a butter knife (which, oddly, does not necessarily require the presence of butter, unlike butterscotch). Dab of peanut butter on the end of the peeled banana, take a bite, repeat. Peanut butter always includes peanuts, as far as I know, so thatís good. Bananas are, of course, self-inclusive.

The perfect food, the one I could exist solely on, is eggs. I love eggs. Fried, boiled, scrambled, poached, you name it. Eggs are the perfect food. Even supermarket eggs, which are really mere shadows of eggs, are good. Give me eggs from chickens that eke out a living by scratching at bugs and seeds in the yard and you got a great egg. Duck eggs are even better. Pickled quail eggs? Iíd get in a fight with a circular saw for good pickled quail eggs, though itís hard to find them anymore that taste right. Most producers just make them hot, and thatís not what itís all about.

Eggs and Spam. Yes indeed, friends and neighbors, run screaming for the door in terror, disgust or revulsion if you like, but fried eggs and fried Spam used to be my breakfast of champions. However, I have become more a fan of Treet than Spam lately. Fried up in a black iron skillet with three eggs gets me going for the day. Did you know that there are Spam cooking contests all over the USA? Itís true. I saw one on the Food Network on the tube once. They had Spam with lobster. Spam casserole with bacon. Spam anything you can think of. I wanna go one day if my arteries can handle it.

I do not like sushi. I tried some the other night at the opening of Shortyís at Cypress Bayou Casino and bleeeeeechhh! You can have my share. Iíve been eating fish for my entire life, fried or broiled or grilled, but raw does not float my boat. I do like good raw oysters, well salted, and maybe with a dash of Tabasco on a Saltine cracker. But as far as Iím concerned sushi is bait for a good catch subsequently suitable for a good fish fry. Make my catch of the day "well done."