Okay. Wait, no stop. I canít breathe.
News is funnier than anything the Comedy Channel could concoct these days.
Okay, listen. No, Iím serious. Let me catch my breath. Hereís a lead from the AP late this week:
Organizers of the movement that has led hundreds of thousands of immigrants onto the nationís streets are split over whether to press ahead with the next big protest ó a May 1 national work stoppage and student boycott. Backers of the protest want to dramatize the importance of immigrants to the U.S. economy by leaving construction sites and restaurants undermanned, crops untended and hotel rooms uncleaned. They also hope empty classrooms will demonstrate that immigration reform is a major issue for future voters.
Wait, no, really. Whew! How funny is that?
The immigrants are going to protestÖwhat? Well, letís see: The legal ones are going to protest being allowed to come into this country with open arms, getting jobs and being able to pay for a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, good medical care, social security, retirement? Oh, and the illegal ones are going to protestÖbeing here illegally?
Please, stop, my stomach hurts from all this laughter. The immigrants are going to protest being let into America, and the illegals are going to protest not being let in to America? Oh, man. Theyíre not going to send their kids to school? Not clean the hotel rooms theyíre getting paid to clean. What, go back to whatever country they got out of because they couldnít get jobs or a paycheck? In short, protest everything they wanted to come here for in the first place?
I just canít stand it. The president is calling for all this, too. Equal rights for illegal immigrants, easier immigration into a country burdened already with masses of jobless and donít-want-to-works. But then, the president is whatís known in Texas anyway as a "post turtle." You know what a post turtle is, right? No? When youíre driving down the road, or walking along a country path, whatever, and you see a turtle balanced on top of a post. Thatís a post turtle. You donít have any idea how he got there. You know he didnít get there by himself, he doesnít belong there, he doesnít know what to do while heís up there, and you just want to help the fool get down.
You know who needs cheap illegal immigrant labor? The pharmaceuticals, thatís who. Merck, posting an 11 percent jump in first quarter profitÖdespite "flat sales."
You can have flat sales and make an 11 percent increase in profit? Well. Hrmph. I guess you can, when you have the entire medication-requiring country captive.
Iíll tell you who else needs cheap immigrant labor, and thatís State Farm, which will be writing no new policies for homeowners below Alexandria in the wake of the last hurricane season. Big government and big business are abandoning you and me once we run out of the money to bloat their pockets as we have for decades already. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I have no sympathy for companies that cut and run from this state and its people when things get thorny. Insurance is a gamble: Policyholders lose that wager every time they pay their premium, they donít cut and run. Insurance loses for the first time and theyíre heading for the hills. Itís reprehensible, but I guess thatís just business.
Meanwhile, the wisdom of the state insurance commission has allowed Allstate to win the gamble yet again after all these decades of collecting premiums and up the ante by approval of rate increases up to as much as 52 percent. The vote was 3-1, with the lone nay voter, Steven Ruiz, saying, "I think you all have failed the people of the state you have insured."
Amen, brother. Post turtles, all.
There is good news though. No, I didnít just save a bundle on my car insurance by switching to Geico (Iím actually a State Farm customer for car insurance and quite happy with them). The good news is, the post turtle in Washington and Chinese President Hu Jintao are making kissy face and pledging to work for economic benefits for both countries, which means more products outsourced to Hong Kong, more American factories and businesses closed down because of it, and, best of all, that little "MADE IN CHINA" sticker at the bottom of your electronics lets Wal Mart make twice as much profit on it, so maybe they can once again beat ExxonMobil to the top of the Fortune 500 list.
"The market is sizzling!" said Victor Shum, energy analyst at Purvin & Gertz in Singapore in response to oil setting new records for the third day in a row.
Yep. Sizzling. Like the smoking of all that money we Americans are burning at the gas pumps instead of at local businesses. Pure dee sizzling, Vic.