Why donít girls wear hat pins anymore?
No, Iím serious. Iím not talking bobby pins, here. Iím talking real hat pins. Now there was a useful fashion accouterment. Not only did it hold a hat on, in the movies they always used them as a dandy tool. You could use a hat pin to escape from a pair of handcuffs, or punch a hole in the bad guyís zeppelin, unlock a door, skewer a venomous snake or any number of things. Girls should wear hatpins again, in case you need to escape from Snidely Whiplash before he ties us to a railroad track. They might even be useful, if plunged into a hip bone, in holding your sonís pants up on his waist.
Changing times have bereft us of many such useful accessories. The fedora, for example. Do you have any idea how much more practical a fedora is than the lowly baseball cap that somehow has replaced it in popularity. Think about it: When it rains, a fedora will neatly disperse water away from your face, onto your shoulders and down the back of your raincoat. A baseball cap does what? Letís two-thirds more of you get wet than a fedora does. Fedoras also let you look dashing. Cock a fedora on a manís head and he looks like Sam Spade, Phillip Marlowe, Mike Hammer. Cock a baseball cap on a guyís head he looks drunk. Baseball caps canít hold a candle to a good fedora for rainwear or cockiness.
Same thing with whitewall tires. What ever happened to whitewall tires? Thereís nothing better than whitewall tires to make a good looking car complete, except lots of chrome. Thatís what modern cars lack, you know: Whitewall tires and lots of chrome. You put whitewalls on even a Honda Element and cover about a quarter of the total surface area with chrome, itíd finally be a good looking vehicle. Whitewalls and chrome are sadly lacking in vehicles. A 1970 Buick Elektraís grill and bumpers and the whitewalls on its rims were a thing to swell with pride over. Just cleaning the chrome took a bottle of Windex. What happened to chrome and whitewalls? Are they politically incorrect today or something?
Bow ties. Why is it not fashionable anymore to wear a bow tie? What, you think wearing bow ties is silly? Makes you less manly than that baseball cap? Well, tell Mark Twain, Thomas Edison, Harry Truman, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Donald Duck, okay pal? I donít know about the rest of Ďem but Frankieíd cuff you in the mouth.
We got nothing for comedy variety shows anymore on television. Notta. Zilch. Zero, my hero. Reality shows are not funny. Ellen Degeneres doing standup is not funny. Rowan and Martinís Laugh-In is funny. Flip Wilson is funny. The Carol Burnett Show is funny, and let me tell you right here and right now, folks, the original Saturday Night Live is pure-dee funny. How come, you figure, Brad Pitt, Paris Hilton, Eminem and Snoop Doggy Dog donít host a variety show on television with guests like Angelina Jolie, Ice Cube, Ben Affleck and J-Lo? Because compared to Carol Burnett or Dan Rowan with guests like Ruth Buzzie, Arte Johnson, Sammy Davis Jr., Tim Conway and Harvey Korman those "stars" are about as funny as a crutch. Dick Van Dyke could make a crutch funny; Ben Stiller cannot. We got no variety shows becauseÖwe got no variety.
Come to that, how about dynamite? Nobody uses dynamite anymore in the movies, itís always Rocket Propelled Grenades or C4 plastic explosives, all of which have the glitz and glamour ofÖwell, nothing, actually. Now, put a stick of dynamite into the hands of Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western, let him light it with the stub of a cigar then pitch it from horseback into a saloon full of stubble-faced, half-toothless banditos all wearing ammunition belts around their shoulders, and then you got excitement. C4? Bah. Just wire it up and flip the switch, whatís thrilling? RPGs? Yeah, a nice little flight from your launcher to the target, but Clint was up close and personal.
We had Clint Eastwood in the old days. What we got now? A blonde James Bond. Sheesh.
The invention of the Bunn and Mr. Coffee destroyed one of the greatest inventions of all time, the percolator pot. According to Amazon.com, where you can still buy a percolator for $24.99, "If you grew up in the 1940s and 1950s, it's more likely you saw a coffee percolator like this one on your parentsí stovetop. The origins of the percolator go back to about 1818 in France. Prior to that, coffee was made in vacuum pots or was boiled. By the middle to late 1800s travelers emigrating to the United States from Europe brought these percolators with them. Many of these pots made coffee for families that used wood stoves on their journey westward."
I donít know about Amazonís date range, because I remember percolated coffee and I was born in the Ď60s. The best coffee, next to hand-dripped, came from percolator pots but thanks to our fast-paced lives we donít have time for percolators anymore, theyíre too slow. We have to have Mr. Coffees that brew 20 cups in about two minutes. Itís funny how we donít have time to brew good coffee in a percolator but we have time to buy overpriced coffee from Starbucks.
One more: Green-glass Coke bottles. Yeah, I know, you can still find the little six ounce ones, but Iím talking about the big boys, the 12 ouncers. Coke just ainít right in anything else. A Coca-Cola in a 16 ounce green glass bottle straight from a 32.5 degree interior temperature chest-type vending machine where you put your money in and had to slide the Coke out through the locking mechanismÖthat was the best Coke ever. It was so cold you had to be careful your lips didnít freeze to the opening. And the sound of popping a can of Coke or a plastic screwtop bottle of Coke open is pathetic compared to the sound of opening a glass bottle Coke on the opener on the side of the vending machine. Man. I get all teary-eyed just thinking about it.