Hereís some things I simply wonít understand, for as long as I live.

Some of them involve law enforcement and criminals. One of my favorites is this: Police pull over a car on a traffic stop because the guy has a busted tail light, expired inspection sticker, no license plate light, expired license plate, and his left headlight blinks every time he makes a right hand turn ó and heís carrying around $50,000 in crack cocaine.

Itís perhaps a blessing to us law-abiding citizens that criminals are that stupid, donít you think? Hey, genius, you got fifty grand in crack in the car, donít bother going out in something thatís street legal. Figure heís using all the profits himself, thatís why he couldnít pay to fix the car with that much in drugs in his possession?

Itís just like white vans and pervs. Pervs always seem to drive white vans, why is that? Think about it, youíve heard it all your life. A guy is riding around trying to lure young kids into his vehicle, itís on the 6 oíclock news and sure enough, a white van. If a perv started driving a blue van, heíd never get caught.

Jane Doe goes into Wal-Mart and shoplifts a $1.95 lipstick. A manager sees her, calls the cops, she gets hauled downtown, where she is processed, charged and posts bond of $1,500 to get out.

What the--? The lipstick woulda been cheaper, Jane.

Itís just the changing times, I guess. Times change and leave relics like me behind.

See, my dad always wore khaki pants. In his world, growing up through the Depression and so forth, blue jeans were a mark of poí folks. Pickup trucks, likewise, were for working men and farmers. Now today jeans can cost $100 and a pickup truck costs more than a Caddy. Go figure.

You know what else bugs me? Iíve told you this before but: Pants that are purposefully made to fit just below the hips and have inseams below the knees. God help me, Iíve become my father and walk around in a state of perpetual amazement at the "dadgum kids these days."

Those sticky tape things they put on bags of chips and such. That bugs me. They only work for about three-quarters of the bag anyway then they donít stick well anymore, and if you go get you a handful of chips itís next to impossible to roll the top of the bag down and stick that piece of tape stuff in place with one hand, so you end up trying to hold the bag with your chin while rolling the top down with your free hand and sticking the tape with your nose. Give me a clothespin. Job over.

Cans of chips irritate me. Chips do not belong in cans. I love Pringles, but wouldnít they taste just as good in a bag, and you wouldnít have to break the bones in your hand to squeeze it down the tube to get the last third of them out? You donít want to pour them out, of course, because all the crumbs fall out and get everywhere, then you have to go get the broom or the Dustbuster. Actually, I think chips belong in cardboard boxes like cereal, but then, they started putting cereal in bags like chips, so you know the worldís really turned topsy-turvy.

No matter what artificial sweetener you use, be it Equal, Sweet & Low, Splenda or whatever, itís not on the table at the restaurant and all the ones you donít use are in abundance. Same with crackers.

Sadly enough, thereís going to be a shortage of parsley one of these days. Too many restaurants just put it on plates as a garnishment and we all throw it away because garnishment rarely, if ever, tastes good no matter how much horseradish you put on it.

Those new types of shoes called Crocs bug me, not so much the shoes as the name, I guess.

"Hey, what do you call those shoes?"


"Excuse me?"

"Crocs. Like, you know, crocodiles."

"They look nothing like crocodiles."



"Oh. What do you think they look like?"

"I dunno. MaybeÖa crock pot?"

"Yeah! Thatís it!"

Iíll tell you another thing that bugs me: Teflon. Teflon scares me. Sure, it makes your eggs slip off the pan easy, but when you find out that the manufacturing process of Teflon creates a byproduct carcinogen, how appetizing is your egg then? I mean, shouldnít we have known it when Teflon came out? Nothing good for you can be that slick and stickless. Itís like the cookware worldís version of Edwin Edwards. Eggs are supposed to stick to the pan if you donít do it right. Cook eggs in a black iron skillet like a real man and get them to not stick. Then you can call yourself an egg cook. Teflon is meant for space shuttles, plumberís tape and car wax, not cooking eggs.

Add to the list one final thing for today, at least: Duct tape. Doesnít work worth pecan on ducts. Nor on ducks. Not even, as it were, on ducs. Or was that Crocs? Might seal up all those little holes.