Well, Iím a fisherman, not a hunter, but I used to hunt a long time ago, and might do so again at some point.
But you can bet I wonít be hunting with Dick Cheney.
What, you thought I could resist this?
Iím really ashamed of the vice president, to be honest. I mean, of everyone around that part of Texas, youíd think heíd have shot a Democrat, rich or not. But no, Dick goes and wallops a rich Republican lawyer with some No. 8 shot.
What do you say when youíve been shot by the vice president of the United States at a good 30 yards out?
"Hey, nice shot, Mr. Vice President! Is the bleeding bad?"
"Look at that pattern! There must be 100 pellets in that 20-inch circle, not counting the ones that went up my nose!"
"Does that come with a Purple Heart, sir?"
"I am thankful we werenít hunting elephants, Mr. Vice President."
You live the rest of your life and nothing else you do matters. You could climb Everest. You could find a cure for cancer, or harness cold fusion. It doesnít matter. Youíll forever be known as the man Dick Cheney shot at 30 yards out. Thatís 90 feet, you know. Lots of people miss shots at 90 feet with a shotgun, presumably a 20 or 28 gauge if the vice president is hunting quail with any sense of fairness. Well, okay, never mind. But Dick nails a lawyer at 30 yards without even trying. Even Teddy Kennedy canít do that.
Probably our most famous president who was a hunter was Teddy Roosevelt. Itís been reported that Roosevelt was an avid outdoorsman and hunter. He once refused to shoot a small bear on a Mississippi hunting trip and the incident led to the origin of the "teddy bear" as a popular childís toy. His bear friend became a common sidekick in many political cartoons of the day.
Now, where shall we go with thisÖ?
Look out for Christmas, moms and dads! Your kids will want one! Youíll have to stand in line for hours, maybe days, at Toys R Us, fighting fellow Patriotic Americans Who Support Wiretapping For Homeland Security for the much-anticipated, long-awaited new toy from Mattel, the See Dick Hunt action figure!
Yes, indeed, folks. The See Dick Hunt action figure comes complete with a fine shotgun, the real-life version of which would cost more than the average New Orleans residentís annual income. The See Dick Hunt action figure will perform four moves automatically, no batteries required: Shoulder weapon, fire, pay fine for hunting illegally, and vanish into thin air. (Batteries and lawyers not included.)
But wait! If you act now, youíll receive a copy of Dick Cheneyís new DVD, "Hunting Lawyers With A Shotgun" absolutely free and not available in stores!
Yes, ladies and germs, in this special bonus DVD, youíll see the vice presidentís 40-foot black limo prowling the south Texas countryside, black-as-midnight tinted windows closed tight. Over one hill and down the next, the limo stalks through the tall grasslands, following a half dozen bloodhounds with their noses to the ground when, suddenly, there he is! A blur of motion, the lawyer flushes from a thicket of brambles, rushing toward the imagined safety of a Presidential nomination, black tie flapping and holding his Federal Register over his vital organs like a shield.
But heís not fast enough or cunning enough. The long black limo stops and all 16 doors fly open. Secret Service men leap out first to secure the premises, but Cheney is already shooting and there are SS men diving for cover everywhere. By the time the vice president gets out of the car he has only one shot left! He takes careful aim at a rock, punts, feints and leads the rock by a good ten feet and BAMMMM!!! The lawyer drops like a pigeon.
The vice president and the SS men amble over to check out their kill, patting each other on the backs in congratulations, but realize they havenít shot a rich Republican lawyer after all, itís in fact an endangered species they felled: The director of FEMA. They hurriedly dig a shallow grave, bury the body, and keep the local authorities away by offering rides in Air Force 2. Most are never heard from again.
Remember, this special bonus DVD is not available in stores! A $100,000 value in campaign contributions! CALL NOW! 1-888-ABRAMOF!
Okay, maybe Iím being too hard on the VP. I mean, accidents do happen, right? Sure they do. Iím sure Dick had every honorable intention of paying his $7 for his quail hunting stamp, it just slipped his mind as he was gassing up his 12-cylinder limo on the federal gas card. Super unleaded, of course. The vice president is, after all, a law abiding citizen of this great nation of ours, and certainly can afford $7 for a quail stamp, what with Halliburtonís profits last quarter.
Just remember, if you do go hunting with the vice president, no matter your political party, occupation or income, thereís one golden rule ensuring your survival: