Zombie Apocaplypse!

Well, anyone who saw George Romero’s “Dead” movies has got to be wondering now if it ain’t coming true.

Four cases of crazed, flesh-eating incidents in the last few weeks, one right there in Scott, La. Some sources are blaming it on the fad of “bath salts,” a recently criminalized product that was cheap and easily obtainable from convenience stores.

Now, I am not making light of the suffering the victims endured, be clear on that. However, I have to point out the irony in all this before it eats me alive.

The zombie—an undead, cannibalistic creature made famous by movies like Dawn of the Dead and its sequels, The Serpent and the Rainbow and most recently a whole main course of books and movies, mostly in the young adult category—seems to reappear every generation or so. The same way Twilight and its sequels capitalized on the re-emergence of the vampire fad.

I’ve seen a little of the Twilight shows and it seems like a rip-off of Buffy to me. Except in the new shows, vampires can go out in the daytime and they sparkle or something. It’s all about teenage heart palpitations, far as I can tell, amok hormones and power struggles.

Now, Buffy the Vampire Slayer might have had its share of all that, but Buffy Summers knew how to handle those things the down-and-dirty way: Crossbow, wooden stakes, swords and all manner of weaponry. Though Buffy ended up swooning for not one, but two vampires, none of them could go out in the daylight without turning into charcoal briquettes, and certainly none of them sparkled.

Compared to the heroines in Twilight, Buffy was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Buffy would stroll through Sunnydale’s cemetery before first light, kill ten or fifteen vampires, tackle a demon or two, and all that was before breakfast. The only thing badder than Buffy was Chuck Norris.

But we were talking about zombies. I guess zombies lie somewhere between the living and the dead, being “undead.” The series The Walking Dead has been a huge success because of zombies.

Hornady, the renowned firearm ammunition manufacturer, recently introduced “Zombie Max” 12-gauge shotgun shells. The box is also labeled, “Just in case…” and “Certified Zombie Ammunition.”

Mossberg now has a line of shotguns and rifles called the “ZMB” group, marketed as the ultimate zombie defense weapons.

The Otis Company has introduced a Zombie Gun Cleaning kit. No kidding. The product description goes like this:

“When you’re trying to save your life from the walking dead, the last thing you want is a jam. Make sure your apocalyptic survival kit includes the Zombie Gun Cleaning System. It’s a no-brainer. It’s not just you on the line, it’s all of humanity. Designed to clean all 5.56MM rifles, 40 and 45 caliber pistols and 12 gauge shotguns. Keep it Clean. Stay Alive.”

Then there’s the “Ruger LC9 Zombie Edition Light Weight Black Right Hand Inside The Waistband Concealed Carry Gun Holster.”

Question: In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, and the walking dead are…well, walking, looking for brains to eat…does it really matter if you conceal your Ruger 9mm semi-auto pistol in a waistband concealed carry gun holster?

Will the police or Army stop fighting zombies long enough to write you a ticket or tie-wrap your wrists and haul you off to jail if you don’t have a concealed weapon permit in the middle of a zombie invasion?

You also have the “Birchwood Casey Darkotic Splattering Zombie Targets” for target practice before the end of the world for the living begins.

“Birchwood Casey’s Darkotic Splattering Zombie Targets are fun for adults and a great way to get young adults interested in the shooting sports!” the product description says.

There’s a Plano Zombie Ammunition Box; a Guide To Improvised Zombie Weapons; a zombie defense app for iPhone (it’s true, there really is an app for that!) and even “How To Speak Zombie: A Guide For The Living.”

The Undead were never so well-prepared for.

Thank you, free enterprise system, for stepping up to the plate to make sure we’re not only saturated with zombie-grease literature, but we’ve got the tools to face the Zombie Apocalypse if…when it comes.

Now…where’s that box of Zombie Max 12-gauge.

You know. For zombie duck hunting.

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